Challenge and Response
2005 – “Academy Year II”
It is during this time that one of the beings I have invited to the Academy chooses to challenge me, triggering an olde wound in my sense of power. It is an extremely difficult experience for me, where I wrestle with fear of not being strong enough to protect myself or others in the space and feeling as though I have to engage lethal force to establish my position.
It is a sinking feeling in my solar plexus, in which I become infuriated by the fear and inner question going on within my self.
It is disquieting, yet it is a challenge, and I rise to face it, and begin to train more ardently, setting the intention to beat the challenger to death.
What should be understood by my Readers is that in the realm I lived, the ideas of human law and of “civilization” did not even occur. I was in a place of primal assertion and response, where a challenge was a challenge to the literal death.
Yet I was not like that. After years of feeling pressed upon by the endless screaming of the human condition, any threat to the sanctity and sanctuary that I felt I had attained was a direct challenge to my territory. One which I intended to face with fierce defense.
I have a huge vision as this happens. Of the play between lifetimes, the conquering and the defeat that flips back and forth from body to body. In the vision, i see how grievances move from one lifetime to another, where in one lifetime one is victorious over another in some conflict, and then in another lifetime it reverses. In this I see the futility of the fight, how it only perpetuates the same energy, and long for a release from it. For a dissolution that will remove this from my field.