It was a day spent almost entirely at the library, working diligently on the Yoga of Story and getting clear on CalFresh food stamps and some basics for survival. I was pleased with the amount of clarity and work that is getting done on the writing, where every day I see significant advances in the form.
It’s worth mentioning that this level of organization simply was not possible in the earlier iteration of the self, where I was unaware of the vastness of incoherence that had defined the Quest in the times previous to the “Magi on the Mountain” episode and the subsequent clearing of the electromagnetics around “being taken care of” and “taking care of myself” using the Existential Kink technique. As a result, as i’ve been writing, things have been coming into a vast and coherent shape, where in the past month i’ve deconstructed the mold for the Mythica and seen the birth of three individual sites related to the content, where i’ve integrated the various aspects of the spell and am finally feeling the clarity to put together the courses and the social media, essentially making my way from the street-level of virtually no resource to something actually connected to society, part of the breath of the world.
I went to the Community Resource Center, receiving some fruit and lunch for the day, and for this I was thankful, yet it remains a burr inside my consciousness, the feeling of being on the rough level, surviving on donations.
I don’t like it. More, as I wandered out into towne, I realized how much I longed for the company of women, how i’ve been discharging my life-force and desire in the olde habits, and how a sense of general dissatisfaction with certain parts of my life is deeply prevalent, a feeling that exists simultaneous with the overall increase and feeling of coherence in presenting the content and making my way towards a more realistic groundedness in the world.
In the afternoon, I go for a drive, appreciating the basic simplicity of being able to cruise around, having a vehicle, having enough gas to enjoy myself, and just enjoying the setting sun. As I do, I stop by a street-sign that bears the namings of both Jupiter and Neptune. Next to it is as beautiful Audi vehicle called a “Storyteller Overland” in a smooth tan color that immediately captures my heart. A sense of expansion moves through me and I consider what it would be like to have a vehicle like that to travel through Carnia with, one where I had a built-in kitchenette, a stove, a bed and the like.
Intentionally then, I invoke the 5 elements, drawing them into my form to adjust the ethers and work the invocation. Once sacred space is opened, I feel the energies of the Jupiter, or the Neptune, and of the vehicle itself into a form and draw that into my form, adjusting my surface tension to receive the energies in the world. I continue for a few minutes, feeling into the shape of the spellworks. There’s a sense of actually doing it, of performing the spellcraft whilst doing the writing, investigating the causes of manifestation and documenting the process, the very thing i’ve wanted to do all this time yet was blocked by the incoherence of my previous chapters.
My connection with David Lovewell continues to expand, and in the evening we shared a long talk around the various aspects of magick where he suggested we change the container, make it more specifically about a goal-oriented thing similar to what Paradox asked of me, and I have been investigating how all of that relates, specifically David’s appearance and the warrior’s approach that he embodies within the context of witnessing my own subconscious reaction through the soma of my body to the mention of Instagram or trying to market my courses to the people.
There is merit there. I sense a connection between my own aspect of competition and commerce, around my own ardency in relation to the sexual energies and my long-standing habit of easing the pressure by pleasuring myself int he wake of the long-standing loneliness and frustration with the coherence.
There is a lot to consider here. To be able to easily write out my adventures, to have the three sites coming together at lightning speed, to recognize the alliances that I have with the other avatars of magic and finally … FINALLY be able to transcribe those into the form after so many years IS the accomplishment itself.
I’m happy about it and yet confess the desire to accomplish the groundedness in the world, to offer the courses and the writing, to have a way of connecting with the people. In this, I am really looking at the habit i’ve had of pleasuring myself to get through the loneliness and frustration on the Quest, at how such has been affecting my basic life-force and desire to even engage. On top of this, there is a growing sense, a wondering at what I am actually doing with the documentation, a feeling that movement through the Mythica has happened over a gradual period of time and I question what, exactly, I am deepening into with the journal. Am I writing it for others? Am I keeping it private whilst I put other writings on the surface of the site? The timeline isn’t developed, and given the resolving coherence, won’t be until I clarify the yoga of story to give it a contextual framework. While things are moving forward with Paradox and David and I am deeply thankful for that as a manifestation of the kind of social relationships I want, I am ever deepening into the fulfillment of what really wants to come through me, the idea of the holy guardian angel, the causal will and it’s intentions for the world.