Recognitions flood through my awareness as I sit up in the bed and breathe deeply into the body. The sense that I am not the doer, that the very sense of self-identification with the process of being is what generates more karmic substance, is clear. It was not “me” that built the plugins, that moved through the field, that has acted as a witness and proof of the akasha, though I experienced the actions.

The fear hits just as I awaken, coming alongside a clarity at the very heart of my question and discontent with the fluctuant conditions of my consciousness and the forced necessity of inner work, and I actively, consciously breathe into the body, dropping the locus of focus into the belly and the root.

It is not a feeling of happiness. Nor one of contented resolve. There is the realization that “I” am just an extension of the Divine consciousness, but without the bliss usually associated with that revelation, producing a massive feeling of existential frustration, longing for basic human comforts and companionship whilst continuing to wonder why I was created and what grounded purpose it serves in the world.

This doesn’t disrespect the work that i’ve done, it doesn’t take away from the idea that I have built a way of seeing the unity, seeing how our karmic substance causes us to occur in each other’s stories and how such things are part of the planet - it simply clarifies the question of how this vantage on the subtle earth will make it to the people and help facilitate the understanding of that unity in a way that is of service, proving to myself and others that we have not been forsaken to the destiny of mere cogs in the machine, that there is mercy and support for the experience of being mortal, albeit trapped within the causal substance of that which is and it’s sharp view on the idea of personal will.

Yet this brings up the question - While such is the attainment itself, how does it speak to the nature of desire? To the people’s want for some process or technique that will help them attain their desires? For that matter, how does *my* desire for joyfulness and creativity, for collaboration and connection, be fulfilled? What is the functional purpose to the recognition of our unity which supports me in my longing for companionship and creativity?

I don’t know. And the repetition of it’s unanswered question is torturous. While I have created something which can show the people how we are connected, what my heart longs for is a simplicity of life with a loving companion, a way to publish and present which affords me the time and space to enjoy what time on earth I have left.

As a note on the quest, when I meditated this morning I moved the locus of focus into my body, recognizing that the mind is madness, and breathed deeply, shifting my focus out of that swirl of repetitive thoughts, past the vritti of a fluctuant mind, in an effort to find sanctuary from the nature of existence itself. In this, at the least, I feel a new dawning, a new willingness to engage the processes, yet I confess I have yet to feel the torque of what shall transform my conditions into something more palatable, it is a new investigation married to the timeline of my descension into this plane and it’s marketplace of madness, trying to find ways to change what is with a certainty I do not feel.