2023-5-23

Deep considerations come to me as I awaken. Having realized again that I must focus into my own story, my own presentation before I include others during my conversations with Jesse, I decide to redouble my efforts to get the Mythica presentable and step into presenting myself as the guide to that magical world, even going so far as to do a vertical video for distribution through Instagram.

My desire to connect with Adrienne feels like a bust, with her clearly having no real priority or interest in connecting with me despite my proximity, a clear difference from her flirtations and openness to Hjeron at a distance. It saddens me, yet clarifies how much of an illusion I have been living in that what meant so much to me in the harshness of the Quest was just a moment for her. In this it’s not so much the flippancy of relation nor the natural expression of youthful desire and her unrelenting focus towards embodied magic and more about me feeling like I am still ungrounded, not settled, not in the expression of what is right-for-me.

As I mentioned to Raven and to Jesse, i’m more than capable of recognizing that Adrienne is an archetype in my life and that I have been abroad for 5 years since I last saw them, 9 years since I saw her, and that I am just, JUST coming back from the crusade. In such context, I question my own perspective and it’s potentially myopic sense of Characters in my story, that Adrienne is not what I may have envisioned her to be and that such things are the trappings of an instability within my own self, a question into the wyrd and wonder of my movement forward.

There’s a great deal of shifting going on. It’s the archetype of coming back from the Quest, gathering stuff on the mountain and then making my way towards the world. As stands, i’m doing UberEats and Instacart to make survival-cash, something that feels entirely lacking in the scarcity-riddled atmosphere of Eugene where the money — effort ratio is nothing like Tahoe.

I did get my harp, though she needs some serious healing, and there is some divination into why my body and psyche have felt so agitated for so long without the healing balm of connection, community and creative receipt.

There’s a sense of depth into the nature of healing and my own movement forward that causes me to consider that I am not finihed with the Mythica at all, but merely in the next chapter of what seems to be a massive, lifelong shift across the planes.

The intention here is to visit a friend in Portland tomorrow then make my way back through Eugene and back towards Palo Alto, gradually releasing what i’ve accomplished on the quest to the world as I do.

The Temple of Story

After a deeply disappointment and lengthy drive to deliver someone’s food for a pittance of $5.76 and the realization that I have virtually no one to talk to or connect with that is easily and consistently available I find my way back to the library, intentionally shifting my mood towards the radiance of financial poverty that moves through Eugene and the frustration of feeling alone and unclear.

There’s realization that the agitation around this relates to my sense of failure to manifest, the feeling that I have been moving through both truth and illusion, and the deep, deep frustration around feeling both alone and without the abundance of friends, finance or form – yet also realizing that I am right there, with the Mythica 95% dialed and my movement down from the mountains. There’s merit in this in that I feel myself coming to greater and greater understanding of the deep yogic truths about desire, about the push towards manifestation and the various ways in which those things play out on one’s path. I recognize that my emotional state towards the circumstance and the frustrated disdain I have for the repetitive conversations and the like with the few allies I have at this point are themselves defined by the constant effort to feel good about one’s conditions, despite the not (yet) having manifested the kinds of rejuvenate, loving relationships in proximity and constancy to feel accomplished in receiving the Love that exists within the world. There is a sense of being separate from the experience of such things, where I both recognize the Gift that I bring to the table and it’s timing alongside a deep question into why things have manifest in such a difficult way, why I look at the success in family and field of the Wynden’s, where I recognize that Adrienne simply does not care enough to remember to look for my messages, where I see myself as a lonely traveler barely on the level of survival while *also* being on Quest.

I know there is beauty to this. I know that I am moving towards the publication of vast amounts of courses, content and comics all of which serve the larger Quest herself. I know that I have massive talents in music, magic and wonder, and that in some way I am truly deepening into what it means to do the kriyas, to look deeply into the nature of manifestation through the body and the mind, to see past the repetitive patterns of the self and others and the worlds they create and yet within this there is also a deep sense of frustration – a gradual recognition of what I have-not-manifested and the question of personal madness that comes up in it’s lack of appearance. Nonetheless, despite the sadness and the feeling of inner question, I cannot deny the expansion of what i’ve done on the site nor the feeling that i’ve “come back from the Quest”, that i’ve come to the Commonwealth from the far reaches and with something to share – I only need maintain my motivation in the process despite the obstacles within.

Reflecting on the Quest

It’s hard to stay positive when one feels the absence of so many things, when I find my thoughts turning to the cyclical repetition of useless advice and a lack of victory, where I find I am demanded to constantly shift my mood and generate hope and inspiration for the longstanding feeling of being trapped in something without the softness of external things, demanded to find solace within.

Such things are defined by the existential truth that we are expected to be happy with what we’ve got, that the definition of success in a spiritual way is finding joyfulness with the circumstances of our life, no matter what it is.

This becomes deeply, deeply frustrating when one has not achieved the kind of victory that they want whether in finance or romance, in health and in hearth, where one feels like they have been only *just* come into clarity over what seems like a repetitive mundanity and drudgery of effort and the question of one’s inner confusion, at the line between madness and majesty.

The bigger thing here is the recognition that one must manage their emotional state – that mostly everything about being mortal is having a good attitude towards being mortal. In this I confess, the recognition of this inner “pivot” as Joshua has been entrained to call it feels relative to the larger idea of what-it-means-to-be-human, to be in various conditions of various levels of agency and having no other choice but find some way to not be depressed in it – a thing which is eased by either the resolution within or the manifestation without.