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peterfae posted an update
a year ago (edited)
2023-5-23 – Part II
I feel it’s a quality of faith. Of recognizing the larger service implied in the documentation of the Quest and how such things play out in the fullness of time.
I say this, because it has always felt like I am forging my way through an incoherence within myself, and the world, where my path has been seemingly about the deep understanding of the yoga of existence, and the ways in which we can come to Amor, Heavenly Earth within and without.
As I look within myself regarding this ideal, it becomes clear that my frustrations have come about due to not achieving that thing – to not achieving the joyfulness, to not achieving the financial grounding, to not achieving the connections and the expansion, and feeling, as though I have not had agency or I’m just coming into a deep understanding of the basis of Will and agency after a lifetime of trying to understand the mortal plane.
I confess freely – I’m not happy about it. I am not blissed out at the opportunity to do practices of affirmation or gratitude or biochemical Kriya’s in order to have a good attitude towards the unfoldment of the patterns in my life, and the question and discovery into a how much influence I actually have over those.
In this the only thing I can say is that I am learning. It has to do with the yoga of life, of this I am sure. There is a sense of my having a long-running confusion and gradual, dropping in to the nature of mortal existence.
What does this mean? It means that as I move through the town of Eugene and I see the slowness and confusion of the people and become frustrated at the reality of delivering food, because I haven’t been settled with my business in the earth played after a lifetime of trying to understand this place while coming from another point of you That it often looks to me like everything here is about doing some mechanic to feel good about the conditions here while focusing on one’s desires with varying degrees of all chemical excellence. There is the sense that I am not happy with the circumstances of my life, and annoyed at the repetition of conversations from people who are more settled into this plane, or who have nothing to offer, but invocations of gratitude, where I consider my own lack of focus into the manifest arts and the agitation over not feeling financially grounded.
There is a sense of disconnect from the most basic ideas of being mortal, from the spiritual piece that authors are speaking of, and its relation to the agitation of person, Carmas, from the idea of “lessons“ and the relevance, from the idea of “life purpose“ And other existential quarries, all of which feel ungrounded, flickering in and out of focus, alongside a much larger understanding of causality, one which I have caused to consider again, and again in the week of not yet having the victory that I desire. Such brings the question, have I been mad, insane all this time? Perceiving things, other than the way, they really were in an allusion , or am I part of a larger blossom of time and effort to deliver a gift to the people from the transcarnate place?
