2023-6-10

Last night, my computer died, spontaneously, and completely. I can’t login, the screen doesn’t work, the keyboard doesn’t work, she is fucked. I don’t know what happened. One moment she was working fine, the next moment she completely fell apart, leaving me with only my iPad to work on the Mythica.

Why did this happen? I had been planning to purchase a new computer, true, I had just received the $2600 and have made upwards of $500 with Instacart, so there exists the ability to purchase a new computer and continue my work. However, this would leave me with virtually no money, and as I drive, and do deliveries, I feel a border between acceptance, inquiry into cause, and a deep Dash seated rage add feeling that I do not have agency or M demanded to investigate a theoretical pattern in my subconscious that is causing events.

Here is the crux point where ministrations like existential, kink, affirmations, gratitude, invocations, and like to achieve one’s desires, come into question, and I feel the Long-standing burn of not feeling like I have a grip on the magic of manifestation and wondering just what it’s all about.

In essence, besides doing Sue, mortars, energy codes exercises, preparing for the Sadhguru’s event on the 26th and doing deliveries, without my computer working I am unsure what to do and seal the deep grind of not feeling a sense of excellence in manifesting the reality I desire.

I am aware of the adjustment “pivot” in the mind to reassert one’s sense of agency in order to maintain one’s mood, this would be the declaration of something to the effect of “wow! Look how powerful I am. I manifested the computer falling apart just when I made the money, keeping me in the glass ceiling that I’ve been in! Geewhiz… What else can I manifest with my awesome powers to fuck myself?” End, but it all feels like it’s based on the question of whether manifestation magic works at all and why things happen.

It’s times like these, that I feel I have no free will, no agency, and I’m disgusted at the core of my being with not feeling that I can manifest the easement that I want – or that my manifest reality is made of impressions in the layers of consciousness, which work against me, and I am expected to be grateful for that, to be happy and thankful at the opportunity to be denied.

The tenant of Magick “change in accordance with Will“ he is not lost on me, and, as I unpack this latest indignity and frustrating hardship, I do my best to look at my own grasp, or lack there of on the technology of manifestation, wondering, at the play of intentions and definitions that lead one to their desired goal.