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peterfae posted an update
10 months ago (edited)
Continued – it’s such as a opportunity to invoke a divination into why I’m reacting the way I am, and what my authenticity is regarding.
As with all practices of the art of divination, looking into myself, and my motivations is accommodation of somatic sensations, and the emotional images and concepts that arise in the process. In this case, as I placed my focus on why I get so irritated and I’m so reactive and quick to dismiss when I do not feel resonance, I am rewarded by a slew of memories and feelings, all of which I feel being part of the thread work of my reaction.
What comes is neither surprising nor unknown to me, and I realize that it sits at the core of my relationship with the world as it has evolved over time. I remember a moment, where Cassandra said to me that she perceived me as “punishing people with my absence“. I had corrected her, saying that this was actually something in reference to someone else in my life from an earlier time, yet realize she was entirely accurate in that I did punish people with my absence, removing myself from situations and individuals who I felt, were unable or more often unwilling to meet me in a place I considered fair.
It is a deep thing, as all things are, and is based in the elements which intern are based in the chakras, as all things are, and I recognize it to be related to my own fire, air, and the radiance of my crown, chakra in relationship to the watery and earthy nature of one’s heartfelt relationship with the mortal plane.
Simply put – there is a thing in me, which has gotten to the point where, on some level I consider the very nature of many peoples vibrations to be agitating simply through its existence, and that the general active of this age is a chore for me to deal with, demanding, patience, demanding tolerance, demanding, compassion, and host of other things that I consider to be a hassle.… It’s all connected. The desire to help mixed with the frustration with the repetitiveness of Carmick shadow trauma mix with the disappointment in the people mixed with the recognition that I’m on a heroic quest, mixed with my understanding of space, and the boredom with having a hold space for others, while also asking others to hold space for me. All held within a radiance of agitation with the mortal plane.
One of the threads in its weaving relates to my desire to live in the Mythica, to live in the more mystical version of one’s experience, and to get away from the vibrations of the Mundus, and where I become agitated at the presence of those vibrations in the field, when I am wanting to be in a different dimensional state. It speaks to both the mission and the frustration, as well as the maturation of my character, and the embrace of a certain, nurturing quality towards those who have not walked the path, or even recognized its nature. Yet while I recognized this, the threads remain, and I recognize how deeply I have wished to be free of certain qualities of the earth experience, which cannot actually be avoided.
