"The Divine Cruelty" – February 16, 2005

My path has been deeply influenced by my relationship with God, with the deep question as to whether we lived in a friendly universe that supported our soul mission as we perceived it or if we were simply bound and chained to the karmic impressions which

How could a loving God allow such horrors to exist? Where was the benevolence? Where was the compassion? Where was the mercy? The world felt to be a thing of imprisonment where the awareness of the people was held down by the very nature of the Creation itself.  In this, raging against the horror of God's assault on humanity, I resolved to create something to help the people, to help them see their stories and hopefully free themselves from the bondage and imprisonment that had been visited upon us all.

Much, much later on the quest I would have an adventure with Joshua called "God Loves You" which provided some easement to the sense of repeated assault, difficulty and question at whether or not we were supported in our quest despite the deluge of karmic horrors that we had to endure.

At the time I was aware that what I considered what I was doing a thing of angelic service while simultaneously fighting against what I considered to be a cruel Divinity that cared nothing for the people and their suffering.

As I saw it and as mad as it may sound, I resolved that someone had to take a stand against God.  To do something to help the people navigate the horror of repetitions and distortions that they were born into, shouldered with the karmic dues of evolution without the ability to choose.

I resolved to build something to protect the people from God's cruelty.

In retrospect (and after many, many years of process) I came to see that my perspective was defined by coming from a place of greater freedom than the earth plane, from a place of greater liberation from the karmic entanglements that defined the repetitions of this Age.  Here I saw how my outrage at the results of outrage towards the system itself were imprisoning me, yet still could not free myself from it.

The people suffered.  The world was a thing of constant manipulations and pollution, where we were demanded to curate an acceptance for that which was unacceptable, all wrought by the original voice, by the Source of consciousness that uttered the Creation into being.  I resolved that someone had to do something.  To create something that could protect the people from God's assault.

While the systems of the world I could discern through the Splinter in the Sky stank with greed and manipulation, they were simple the middle-management of a larger horror, for I realized that all such things were themselves defined by the age of the akasha in which we lived, a thing I gradually came to discover was referred to as the Kali Yuga.  And while a part of me had a flickering access to the neutral equanimity of seeing that this was simply the physics of the age itself and part of a larger cycle of Divine breath, the incandescence of my outrage at being born into such a thing subsumed such things in it's endless rage, obscuring my vision like stormclouds before the sun.

It was like trying to grasp smoke, to somehow find a way to anchor the endless shifting tides of who I was being and the powers and talents associated with that shape.  I felt lost in a constant and endless shifting, recognizing on some level that the substance of what was changing was my own self seen in the depths of kinetic light.

Yet my very sense of self was what changed, and with it, my memory of what I was capable of, of what I had accomplished, of who I was would shift and change, lost in the tides of the drift.

Despite this, I did what I could to stem the tide of shadows, losing the battle over and over as the deluge of vibrations removed my very sense of self again and again.  In this there were moments, brief seconds where I could feel the lightning again, where I could see through the darkness and storms in a burst of incandescent light.

This related to "God" and "Goddess", and eventually to the recognition of the patterns of my own trauma which related not only to my perception of the age of the Kali Yuga that I had incarnated into but also to the family structure and traumas that I had been born to.