“Being Mortal”

"Being Mortal" – 2020-10-28

The Books of Fae

2020-10-28 – "Being Mortal"

"…I was in the mountains when it hits.  When the kindness of Cassandra and the ambience of Tahoe's sacred land had helped me heal to such a degree that I saw myself in a new way, and I didn't like what I saw.  It was if all of a sudden I could see the filth and detritus that was in my field, to see myself retreating from reality, barely functioning save for my endless work to create the Mythica herself…."

Chapter 6.5 – The Mortal Condition

I was in the mountains when it hits.  When the kindness of Cassandra and the ambience of Tahoe's sacred land had helped me heal to such a degree that I saw myself in a new way, and I didn't like what I saw.  It was if all of a sudden I could see the filth and detritus that was in my field, to see myself retreating from reality, barely functioning save for my endless work to create the Mythica herself.

2022 – Chains of Fate

I felt trapped in some deep and existential way.  Imprisoned in an oubliette of memory, lost in the veils of the incarnate plane.

And I wanted out.  The sense awakening to the presence of the karmic chains was shattering, deconstructing who I thought I was in the world and reminding me again of the traps and treasures of perception itself.

Relationship between Will and Forgiveness

It was terrifying.  Like waking up in chains and wondering if you've ever moved at all.  The threads of my prison were clear to me for an instant, and I felt the cold touch of Death, of the mortal condition itself and my long contest with feeling imprisoned in a doom coming to the fore.

I felt burning inside, a subtle agitation that pushed out through my cells, a rancor of frustration at feeling cheated by life, blocked from the realization of my own bondage so completely I could not address it's existence.

Worse still, I felt old, the years of my absence of focus on my body and it's care were wearing on me.  It felt stuck in patterns that had been with me for years, slowly driving me to an early grave.  While the Mythica was clear and shining, my own form was failing, I could feel weakness in my arms, my legs and throughout, and wondered if I could muster the strength to face the chains yet again, to find a way to shift my regarding the mortal plane for the experience, to ease the tensions in my nervous system and be at peace with the world.

As it had time and time before the issue of money, of being able to make it and be grounded in the world and shift from that mythos into something else harried at me.

Biomancy – Rejected in my efforts to heal once more

it was par for the course that my attempts to get into the Biomancy group using the barest shreds of finance that I was able to muster through the prison of impressions which had held me back and I was only just becoming aware of in "God's Timing" that I was rejected yet again, the repetition of the same trauma occuring in yet another spiral despite my attempts to move forward.  Here again the limitations on all sides of my outer world combined with the prison of amnesia in my inner world effectively trapped me in place, desperately grasping for whatever hint of agency I had admist the storms.

I had been so hoepful, so believing that I could encounter a group of individuals where we could heal together, and had been denied yet again, causing me to wonder at what horrific inner thing or existential purpose was causing me to be isolated and blocked no matter what I tried to do.

Allies Lost & Found

It's all about YOU

And just like that Joshua was gone again, off on his own heroic crusade.  We had mutually seen the geometry of story that had moved within the space and moved through it, gingerly connecting through one-way videos across the ethers of the net.  Here I saw so clearly that everything was about him, that it was HIS desires, HIS wanting for this and that, everything was about him wanting to achieve something in service to himself.  It was an eye-opening moment for me when I recognzied that this was going on for eveyrone – that humanity in general was selfish, self-centered and juvenile, and that I lived in a socetiy where everything was about what value I brought to others by their regard.

Yet their regard was shallow, serving only themselves.  Once again Joshua had taught me about the human condition, and what he had taught me was a bitter thing.

Death Flashed Before My Eyes

Facing the Madness

(Overview – Madness to Majesty)

Was this a by-product of my sense of being a tabula rasa to this place? Was I going through the process of the chakras, of compulsions and desires, of will and it's various layers like a newborn yet with the glimmering awareness of the akasha? Did I simply not understand because I was somehow blocked or absent to the patterns of memory which created such things?

The revelation had occurred, and with it another layer of the mortal condition had shown itself, and I became frightened of what my life could become.  I questioned everything, spinning through the shifting tones of my endless movement thorugh the akasha, wondering at how I could be so wise in one moment and so lost in another.  The world unraveled as I struggled to face the reality that I had been doing nothing to care for myself, nothing to engage with the active process of meditation or manifestation, that I was still living in financial detritus without the love or receipt from the community that I desired.

Here again I saw the loathing self-hatred.  I saw the lack of self-care as more than just my ignorance of the mortal condition.  I saw it as pure disgust for the vibrations of the world and the feeling of being trapped inside a body which had been bent and distorted into something that was both magical and maddened.  It was both a naiveté and a resistance, the repeated sense that I had been somehow cheated out of sanity itself by the very act of being born, that my self and it's splinters were still coming together after fifty years, and that I was running out of life.

How could I have been so blind? So unseeing of the imbalances within me? How could I have thought that simply moving along the quest without doing the daily practices would garner me results? I was not doing what I needed to do, and the memory of it's necessity would fade from my grasp time and again.

It was the lethe which afflicted me.

Characters Appearing

Azra Betrand

Cassandra Banks